If I could do it again...

Maybe it is because Phil and I spent last weekend with our Youth World team and held their little ones, including our own sweet  "granddaughter" Janoa.  Most likely it was the conversation I had with Phil about his own journey of looking back, and it triggered feelings of reflection in me.  Whatever the reason, I felt a poignant longing for the days when our own children were little, precious gifts loaned to us for such a short season.

If I could be that young mom again... 

The busy days would not be blurred in my memory, days busy not just with our own four children but with the addition of foster kids.  Days busy fixing meals and doing laundry, of picking up kids' stuff everywhere and trying to teach them to do the same, of wiping noses and tears, of answering a thousand questions or being at a loss how to answer them, of helping to solve conflicts, of teaching them to think about others more than themselves, of tucking them into bed with kisses and prayers, and of forgetting for the second day or even third day in a row to leave money from the tooth fairy.  Days filled with moments of laughter and fun, and days when I was exhausted and felt like a failure. 

If I could be that young mom again... 

I would listen with greater interest to their sometimes rambling stories.  I would definitely be more patient.  I would take more pictures and videos...and organize them to enjoy as a family.  (Well, we would have borrowed the video camera more often from my brother-in-law who had one.)  I would write a special letter every birthday to rehearse what God had done in and through them over the past year, and I would save them in a book of keepsakes to give them one day. 

If I could be that young mom again... 

I would gaze longer into their trusting eyes and tell them many more times, maybe even in the same hour, how much I loved them and how God made them so very special.  I would hold each one a little bit longer.  I would breathe deeper of their sweet fragrance as we snuggled close, my head resting upon theirs. 

In the midst of my own reflections, I visited with a mom who had traveled 17 hours to visit her sons in Quito, two who live at Casa G.  She put on a brave front, tamping down emotions of missing her boys, telling herself and us that it is God's will for her to live so far from them.  I couldn't even begin to explain the complexities of her life and why she is faced with impossible choices.  I just know my heart ached with hers.  I recognized that my reflections of regret and a sense of loss weren't even a drop compared to the ocean she faces. 

If I were that young mother again? The truth is, I would still be the same mom. One who loved much but who loved imperfectly.  I was given a precious gift -- the immense joy of getting to be their mom.  And the best truth?   I still get to be their mom today.

 

Pictured on January 4th with our girls, Danelle and Chelsea

the evening before Chelsea returned to the U.S.

 

Thank You, Jesus for the immeasurable blessing and privilege of being able to be with my children during those growing up years and for the sweetness of their friendship today.  Thank You for giving them such a radically intentional father to help me and them during the journey.  Thanks for Your beautiful grace that redeems my failures and my mistakes to make me more like You.  Please weave my days from the past to make me more fruitful for today.  May I be ever grateful and not regretful.  May I love well others this day, be forgiving of my failures of yesterday, and anticipate my tomorrow with hopeful expectation. 

Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  Matthew 6:33-34 (MSG)